Dinah was a beautiful girl inside and out. Everyone has their flaws and hers happened to be stubbornness. She was raised by strong-willed people and she was very much their child. She is reflecting upon everything that has happened up until this point. Silence is her friend. She has never felt so torn. She feels nothing and everything all at once right now and it is unbearable. She tries so hard not to cry, not to give anyone the satisfaction of seeing her in pain.
She reflects on the time she met Todd. He was a magnificent boy all of 19 years old. He stood 6 foot 1 and had mystical green eyes. She was smitten from the beginning. Everything moved so fast. She was 17 when they met and 18 when they ran off and got married. His parents were thrilled. Her parents were devastated. She was blinded and Todd was dependent.
Youth has many advantages and many flaws. In youth we do not realize that what we want is not always what we need. She wanted him more than anything else in the world and she still does but it was not meant to be. They had always been inseparable except towards the end.
Everyone has their own flaws and while she was bull-headed he was controlling. She was micro managed at every turn by Todd. She was so blinded by love that she never saw it while it was happening. She only sees it in retrospect. It doesn’t change her longing for him.
They got into a particularly explosive fight that warm March night. She left to clear her head and ended up at her parents house for dinner. Todd called 100 or more times and sent 15 threatening text messages. The last one said goodbye and she would miss what she had when he was gone. She felt something off and tried to call him, tried to text him, and she was left with only one solution. That was to call the police to do a safety check. She prayed this was a bluff but deep down she knew it was not. She worried inconsolably and commenced to calling the precinct every 2 minutes for an update. She already knew by the third call. She curled into a ball and cried on her mom’s bathroom floor. They said “Mam can you please meet us at your residence.” Her parents drove her. She sat in silence. No thought at all in her head. She felt the inevitable loneliness.
Todd made good on his threat and had shot himself with a Smith and Wesson colt 45. There was no coming back for either of them at this point. He died and so did she. The world would never look the same to her ever again. People would not mean the same to her as they once did. She became beautifully broken.
The thought of living with out him was far more than she could bear. She went to her moms that night and fell into a death we all know as shock. Her heart did not want to believe he was gone but her head kept bringing her back to reality.
She went through the motions of living, planning a funeral, and dealing with people. She was not really there though she put on show for everyone. If she was asked one more time “are you okay?” She was going to lose her shit and maul someone, which was not her nature normally. His family blamed her. Her family circled the wagons around her a little too much. She was drowning in her own silent emotion.
This is her thoughts as she watched them throw the last bit of dirt on Todd’s grave. She was only 19 and this aged her immensely. She wanted to cry but 8 days of nonstop crying will affect that ability. She stood there knowing everyone was looking at her. Some were there for support while others judged her. She stood there until she was the only one left. She dropped to her knees with the revelation that he was really gone and for one as introverted as her this emotional Exposure was the worst form of torture she would ever endure. To be alone while your best friend is six feet below you. You can’t look, touch, or feel them. It is torture. She couldn’t go on. She didn’t want to go on.